Week 3b, Day 2

Today was the first run I've skipped.  Part of me says not to worry about it b/c this is technically Week 3 Part Deux anyway and I already did this last week.  The other part of myself says I should have just gone out there and run the piddly 1.5 miles because I've now had 3 days of non-running in a row and this might snowball. 

But I just couldn't do it... I was too tired. 

Today we had our appointment with Lilah's Neurologist about her seizure 12 days ago.  The appointment went well, but my motivation was squashed by some post-appointment burnout.  I tend to build a lot of anxiety and pressure into the appointments with her Neurologist because we only see him twice a year... usually after a seizure.  It's amazing how 45 minutes of asking/answering questions leaves me emotionally and physically drained.

He was very happy with her progress and development, but I still walked away from the appointment feeling queasy.  I want him to say, "Lilah is going to grow out of this seizure crap and live a completely normal life.  Her brain size will catch up with her peers and she'll be able to run, talk, read, tap dance, drive on her 16th birthday and drink on her 21st birthday.  A regular education, college, marriage and children are all in her future."  However, her Neurologist can't say that because there's no way to know what her future will hold.  There's no way to know that about anyone - even the normal kids.   But, I still wanted him to say it...

There is always a piece of my heart which thinks the seizure is killing her. The EMTs buzz busily around her and all I can do is watch helplessly... while my heart thinks my baby girl is dying in my arms. On four occasions now, my heart has gone into the precipice only to be pulled back from the edge of grief by my head's realization that she's going to be ok.  The next morning she is typically herself again... smiling, playing and laughing. Conversly, it seems to take me much longer to recover .

In my head, I know we are very lucky.  We have a little girl who has already faced death, battled disability and surpassed all medical expectations in her short little life of 20 months. We are lucky because we have a loving, beautiful and HAPPY little girl.  Lucky because she only has a few measly seizures a few times a year.  I find myself thinking about how lucky we really are...thinking about all the children who die every day either by accident or illness.  All the children newly diagnosed with physical, mental and developmental conditions on a daily basis.  I know my family is lucky because while none of us is promised tomorrow, we DO have one, and I know it will be filled with laughter and love.    

I'll run my 3 miles tomorrow and I know my body will probably be a bit sore.  Today, my head and my heart both needed a break.